some day...

some day i will become a bird... a tiny little humming bird... and fly into the sun... can the humming birds fly that high?! i don't know... but i will... and i will die in the process... but i will die so happy...
people keep telling me to do things seriously... some say 'u can write a few lines, why don't u do that seriously?!' some say 'since u can paint a little, why don't u paint seriously?!' others say 'since u like playing with ur camera, why don't u take pictures seriously?!' but i simply cannot... seriousness is a concept unknown to me... is it?! well, when i work it is serious... no not really... i don't even work seriously... what do i work in?! oh something little and insignificant... doesn't really matter... but what matters is that nothing is serious... whenever i try to keep a straight "serious" face, a smile trickles out...
how are people so serious?! they discuss about life and universe with a unsmiling face... it is so scary... they even can play seriously... as if it isn't an oxymoron... when i do anything, say paint or write or take pictures, i feel free... u know, a rush of feel good hormones and a whiff of cool breeze on my face... and i am just so overwhelmed... i can't look for inner meaning and such serious stuff... i just feel it somewhere deep down... what do i feel?! "good" is a very inadequate word... all words are inadequate in fact... i feel like i am standing on the top of the world... with all the universe around me... i feel like the universe itself... and i am so happy and overwhelmed that nothing else means anything...
my heart and head mingles and all the colours and words and feelings mingle... and i am so terribly incoherent... i don't say anything through anything that i do... they are just a piece of pure joy, a tiny bit of sun-ray... even the "work" that i do... they are my children... i let them grow unfettered and unhindered... i do love them with everything in me... sometimes i feel the day when i stop loving it and feeling this way, i will just cease to live...

my friend...

today i just felt like i had to write about something... first i thought i would write about a star... you know i have a friendly star in a little brook... but then i kept it for another day... then i thought of the little cat... what cat?! just some cat that i like... not actually... i haven't seen it... but i believe i like it... :-) ... but then decided to keep that for another day too... and so now i will write about my first good friend...
his name was something... but i am not going to tell u his actual name... i will call him Nobody... he wouldn't have liked this name for himself... but i am the author now, so I will call him that... he wasn't really mr. nobody... he was a nice little kid... with a little tuft of upruly hair sticking up right from the center of his head... he thought that that bit of unruly hair made him look cool... but i thought otherwise...
we lived in this Utopia of mine ( read "i remember" and u will get to know)... he used to lived in one of the six apartments in our so called township... and i was two months older than him... and was one year senior to him in studies... and wanted him to call me "didi" and he never did... Nobody and me... we were the best-est playmates... we hunted for buried treasure... and bunny holes... and tried to make up stories about each little land mark... and literally used to make a mountain of a mole hill... we had decided that the forest had fairies... and that they charmed the snakes that lived there... and also tried to see how the fairies looked... but never saw any... :-( ... we liked talking to the trees and the stars and stones... and everything... well, it was mostly liked talking to them... and he liked to see me talk to them... and even tried to make me believe that they did not listen to them... but i never believed him...
and he liked to learn and show little magic tricks... i still remember that when we left the place, he had asked me how i would recognise him later on... and i had replied that i would look for a crazy guy who always showed some crazier magic tricks and they invariably failed... however, i never did meet him anymore... so i did not have to recognise him...
and Nobody and me... we learnt to ride the bicycle together... of course i was better than him... but he wasn't that bad either... and we used to test each others balance on the wheels... and of course i was the better... no just kidding! both of us equally bad... and both of us wanted to show off... and ended up with multicoloured bruises all over our knees and elbows... and we had such great fun!
and what else?! we used to have the most epic fights where we have vowed never to talk to each other and yet within an hour our laughter echoed through the little township... some times the fights did cross the verbal limit... and i being the tom-boyish type that i was, gave him a fair fight... we were a real pretty sight after each evenings play time... well we had to come back to our apartments by 7pm and sit down to finish our homeworks... but after that really exhaustive play or fight or treasure hunt, we were always too tired...
well... what else?! he was an impossible sissy... but who cares?! he was my first real good friend... he wasn't really Nobody... Nobody was somebody in my life...

i aspire.

one day i aspire to tell the truth. weird aspiration, huh? will never turn into reality? that's what you think? that's what even I think... but this is the one hope that keeps me going.

i hope to tell u how i hated being alive. how i hated smiling at u. how i hated talking and pretending to listen. i couldn't care less. i wanted to throw off the cloak of pretense and tear u apart with questions that cannot be asked.

why do i write???

why do people write??? i don't know... maybe to express themselves or maybe to make a point... maybe to earn money... maybe to show-off... maybe to feel proud of themselves... or maybe for the same reason that i write...
why do i write??? i write because i cannot talk... well, am i mute??? not really! not quite! but almost... is that the only reason why i write??? do i really have anything to tell people??? not really... i don't want to tell anybody anything... i don't want to communicate... but i do want to have the joy of breaking free... and writing gives me that... the joy that a peacock feels when it rain-dances... the joy of reckless driving maybe...
then why will i post this??? i don't know... maybe so that few days after when maybe i will not have so much time to write, i can read this and be happy... u see, not always do i have thoughts that can be strung into beads of words and sentences... and even if i have not always do i have the time to write them down...

what if...

I have heard people say that life is not an empty dream... what if it were actually a DREAM... maybe not an empty one... although i never understood the meaning of an EMPTY dream... a dream is never empty... it always has something in it... but, that's not the point...
maybe life is a dream... a quite long one in comparison to what we think to be dreams... in one long night... and we enter that dream when we are born and then stop dreaming when we die... and most of the time we want to keep dreaming that is living like we do in most dreams... but like all dreams it stops at one time... and maybe we wake up into death... and stay awake for another death-time(the equivalent of a lifetime maybe or at least of the same order)... and then sleep into another dream of life... it would be really interesting...
somebody once said as a logic towards having another inhabitable planet that if there is one there can be two or three and so on... so if there can be one type of dream... i guess there can be the next level of dream... and maybe the next... and so on... and that would be so funny... it would be like watching a mirror inside a mirror inside a mirror.... and so on... or a dream in a dream in a dream... hah hah!
maybe u aren't finding this funny! but who cares! i wrote this for myself...

the story of the little girl...

Once upon a time there was a little girl.. she lived in a tower... a beautiful tower surrounded by seas on all sides... and the waves lapped on to the sides of the tower... and frothed and foamed... and seagulls flew... and she could see the northern lights... and look out into the open seas... and the tower was very comfortable... but was she happy?! she didn't think so... she wanted to go down into the world beneath... she was tired of seeing life passing by without taking any part in it... she wanted to be free... oh! u want to know her name, right?! since i like the name i will call her Dot.

one night Dot was very very unhappy and lonely and she had cried herself to sleep... and suddenly in the middle of the night she felt something brush her cheeks... she opened her eyes... and right in front of her she saw another tiny girl... with a dress made of stars... she was so surprised... she knew that the tower did not have any doors... where did this girl come from??? but she was so happy... and that girl (who introduced herself as Mini) kissed Dot on her cheeks.. held out her hands... and led Dot through the window... Dot was scared... after all she could see the rocks and waves far down and could imagine how painful it would be fall down from that height... but again to her surprise... before she knew what was happening she had walked straight through the window and out over the clouds... and there were so many more small girls and boys... and they played and talked and played... and never quarelled... but she was so scared to talk to them... she also found that Mini was not by her side.. she started to cry... and then the clouds started to touch her cheeks... wiped her tears... and even started talking to her... cloud told her how much he loved her... and she smiled... and then the sun-ray came though the cloud... and sun ray was wearing a beautiful dress of so many colours... and then there was another beautiful girl dressed in a dress of stars... she introduced herself as night... and the night and sun-ray and cloud played with her... talked to her... giggled with her... gave her flowers... and together they chased the multicoloured butterflies... it was magical... Dot was happier than ever... and after she had played with them for a long long time... she was tired... and she slept on the soft bed of cloud...

and then she woke up and found herself inside her own stone tower... she was so dissapointed... she was so sad... it was all a dream she thought... and she wanted to cry her heart out... when suddenly found a lock of sun-rays golden hair... and a tiny little star... oh! she was HAPPY! she sang through the day... and danced to the rythm of the waves breaking on the stone... next night she again played with her friends... but again lost them in the morning... she became accustomed to this way of life... only she wanted to see her friends after daybreak too... so decided never wake up... she was so happy when she slept and in her sleep she dreamt of her friends... well it wasn't really a dream... and yet she could never have her friends in the daytime... so she slept for a long long time... and never woke up... not really... sometimes she woke up... cos u see there was no witch to put a spell on her to sleep for a thousand years... and whenever she used to wake up, she was sad...

and then one day ... when she was awake and sad and looking out of the window... what did she see??? there was a nice man or was he a prince, who walked in through the window... how did he manage to do that??? she didn't know... she didn't know whether to be happy or scared... but the man was nice... he talked to her... about the world beneath... told her so many nice things... and wanted her to step out of the window... she was so scared... after all this wasn't a dream... she was wide awake... she didn't want to leave the tower... so the man being a really nice man stayed with her... urging her to take the first step out of the window... and told her he would protect and cherish her always... and held out his hand... Dot... she was so happy and yet so scared... and she held out her hand... apprehensive at first... then slowly believed in him... and started to walk out of the window... and lo and behold! just as they stood on the window sill... the tower started losing its height... and the sea on all sides disappeared... and they walked out hand in hand into the world... a real world ... with people in it... and misery and hope... and love and hate... and she no longer looked on as the world passed by... and she held on to his hand... and never let go...

well, is that the end of story??? do u want to know whether they lived happily ever after?? i think they did but i will have to ask them and confirm...

i remember...

from the title u must be thinking that i am going to get totally nostalgic and sentimental... You are absolutely correct... I am going to write about my first love...

Of course not a man. who could love a man to remember him like this?! it wasn't even living... but it was still vibrant with life... it was the place in which i had spent a major part of my childhood, golden years and whatever they call it.

When I was 2 years or a little older I was uprooted from my ancestral place to this place. Well, of course I felt like I was uprooted and I was upset. Afterall I had lived there all my life, however insignificantly small. And I came to this magical place. Let me call it Utopia. Because it was my Utopia. How does it matter what its actual name was?! To me it was a dream place anyway. So what do you mean by 'actual'?

Anyway, so in Utopia, I used to stay in this quaint little township in the middle of nowhere and it was surrounded by forests. The township as it was called could hardly be called that. Only six (sometimes less) families stayed there. It was really in the middle of the wilderness. My parents thought it a very inconvenient place. But, I loved every bit of the pink walls of the building. Well, the outside of our house was painted in pink, you know. And right in front of it there were two Debdaru trees(what do u call it in english?!). They stood like toy soldiers outside a toy castle. Only the soldiers never moved. They swayed and shivered in the breeze. They made me so happy! Then came the cobble stoned path half covered in sand. I never asked where so much sand came from. But, it was fun. I didn't have to go to some sea shore to build sand castles. And all around there were really tall trees. And strange looking shrubs. And foot tracks through them. Our favorite place to try and discover a new track or to hunt for buried treasure. Well, I did manage to recover a worn sock, a broken cup, a beautiful key, and some mysterious looking bones. Well, at least it was mysterious to me at that time.

And in that little forest of mine, there were white hares and cunning jackals. The hares were so cute and furry and scuttered all over the place. The jackals liked to hunt for the hares. And never caught them. The tiny things were so extremely fast.

And some distance away from our house, some Nepali families lived. They used to sing with their guitars at night. Around a fire in the winter time. The flames and the smoke twisted and danced with them. And out of the flames high up you could see the form of a fairy. Circling high above. Singing with them. Singing with us.

And there was a haunted looking church in the short-cut from school to my home. It wasn't really haunted. Nobody had seen anything with a white dress at night. Or any ethereal melancholic voice. But, I liked to imagine that it was haunted. And also liked to think that the ghosts were really nice people, er ghosts. And that they liked me. And so they never scared me. But, used to chat with me and treat me to tea ( I wasn't allowed to have tea that time but you see, I was so awefully fond of it.). They were really sweet ghosts.

So, you see how my Utopia was. It had cute house with nice soldiers and sand and cobble stone, a jungle to hunt for treasures, a nice church with nice ghosts... a nice school... didn't I tell you I loved this school... and two nice dogs... oh, I had forgotten to tell about them... Jackie and Blackie... they were the sweetest meekest pets... they weren't really pet dogs... but they always stayed with me and played with me and even helped me unearth some treasures... so they WERE my pet dogs... they even came to the little pond where I used to go and throw stones and play... what play?! o... i used to throw really flat pieces of stone and see how many times it can bump over the water surface without going under... i don't know the name of the game... for a very long time, i thought i had invented it, till i saw somebody else play it and then somebody and then some more...

so I had lived in this cute little Utopia of mine and I had loved it... and still love it... are u going to ask the usual question?! "am I going to go back to it?" ... you know that's a silly question... firstly, it is with me... how else could I remember and tell you all this... and about going back and actually living in that place?? well, I think that would be silly too. afterall it would have changed... Utopia will not be Utopia anymore... oh, i am not talking about whether the change is for good or not... any change will make my Utopia into something else... I wouldn't want that.. would I? and also............... this way I can always keep hoping of seeing my Utopia right in front of my eyes. and i have it to dream about... i wouldn't want to spoil that...

after a REALLY long time

I logged into this blog id after a really really long time. I was actually quite sure I will never be able to find it out. Or better still it might have been deleted or something like. But, no! I am logged in. And so I decided to peek into the previous blog that I had written(you can hardly call it a blog). It was just a one-liner and that too copied from the great bard. Well, since it was just an hopeless blog, I thought nobody would have looked at it and obviously nobody would have bothered to write any comment. It did not even deserve criticism. But, lo and behold! I saw a really long string of comments. Most of them starting with something like " I read your blog and found it interesting." WOW!!! I am enthralled, ecstatic and exhuberant, and some more pentasyllabic and eloquent expressions, with the comments. They actually READ the blog and even found it INTERSTING!!!

Well, of course after being interested and blah blah blah they wanted to sell me a college degree or some lumber shares... or some such things... and was so SURE that from the blog they discovered that I was interested in these stuff...

And now if you are wondering what the eloquent one-liner was , it was "Sweet are the uses of adversity"... and the reason I wrote this was the mere fact that I did not know what to write and somebody was standing right behind me with a bazooka in hand telling me to write something, anything in the blog... and I being a mere uncreative mortal remembered one line from a play that I read about 7 years back.