Well, some six years back I left my country and came here for graduate studies. I was very happy to join an Ivy league university and I was confused to leave my country and my boyfriend. But I did make the move because I did not want to compromise and my priorities were different and at the back of my mind I had the belief that this was temporary and I could go back anytime. The move was not smooth. I was unhappy in a strange land with no friends. But, I made amazing friends who stood by me through thick and thin for the only reason that they are amazing human beings. I adjusted slowly, very slowly. I finished my PhD, moved to do a postdoc for the only reason that I could stay with my husband. At that time, I was quite upset with the academic profession and was tired of it, but I decided to give it a last try. And it is then that I saw that I was not incompetent, that the profession could be better than what I thought. And I do know that I love research.
Now I am standing in the juncture where I have to decide whether to stay here or go back to my country. What to expect from my life and I wish I had two lives. It is a much more difficult decision than coming here because this decision is going to be permanent, or almost. There will be no getting out of it, whichever way I decide. So what has changed in this. Well for one thing, I am older and my priorities have changed. I am not as single-mindedly career oriented as I used to be. I have a family and I would like to be able to continue having one. I have also gotten used to the ways of the academics here and do not have too much idea about back home. I am reasonably confident of the support I will receive over here and am not sure about back home.
So why am I thinking of back home? Because it is home. No other place will ever be that. And the weird thing is I am not too attached to home. It is just the country. I cannot quite imagine staying back in a different country. How can I not try to go back to the country where I went to college at the ridiculously subsidized tuition of $2 per year!!! Some tax payer money taught me throughout my higher education. How can I forget that? How?
Also I do realize the very small number of female academicians in my country and I want to change it, if only by trying to be successful there. But, what if I cannot make it there and just go on to re-inforce the existing stereotype. And what reason do I have that I will even get a job there? I do not even remember the way academics work there! What if this reasoning is just an empty dream and I am just not that capable?
What makes this decision more confusing is that if I decide to go back (and that is what I have been favoring till now), I will have to find a job in a place close to my husband and what if my career completely takes a back seat, since that is what EVERYBODY will be forcing me to do. I have been a renegade and a rebel, but how much longer can I rebel, especially when I see that it makes everybody around me so very unhappy. I guess, my staying or going back is becoming more than just a career move or a place to stay. It carries with it the weight of my principles and the happiness of my loved ones and that is where it is terrifying. And the worst part is it is not clear which route will actually be favoring my principles. As high sounding and ridiculous it might sound, I want to make a difference and I want to make it a bit easier for the next generation women in my country, I do not want them to hear things like "Why will a woman have to travel for career?", "Why will a woman be 'wasting' a seat at a premier institute?", "educated/careerist women cannot have a family" and so on. And if I look closer into which of these questions I refute by making either decision. Well, for one thing if I am successful anywhere, I have stopped the question of 'wasting' a seat. But, there is that "if"! I am not aware of the academic scenerio back home. What if I am totally brushed aside as my husbands "better half". He is quite capable and a good researcher, but I do not want my career to be tied to his name because in that case whatever I achieve will be thought of as due to him! I believe that my career, however good bad or ugly, can stand up on its own. Will I be able to establish that if I go back? On the other hand, if I don't go back, I am just another hypocrite. I am not making any change, however tiny. Of course, the other myth of educated women making lousy wives is even harder to break. I have tried and tried and tried and I think I need super human strength and 48 hours a day to make it happen. And I do go away for conferences. I have a life outside home and I know that if and when I decide to have a family (in a more strict sense), I will have to compromise and whatever compromise I make, I will feel guilty towards my family and my work. There is this notion ingrained in my mind (however liberal I might try to proclaim myself) that the household duties are mine and it is difficult to act otherwise. It is also impossible to do all the household work and then be competent at work. Which till now I am managing but at the cost of being completely tired, spent and burnt out on a regular basis. Well, I am kind of straying from the main issue which is I am not sure which route will be true to my principles. And if at all my principles make sense in this world. Sometimes I feel so bitter and lost. I believe I have been one of the luckiest in everything and still at times I feel completely defeated by the struggle between my principles and my ingrained notions.
After all this there is the issue of my real love for work, for science. This I still believe can be fulfilled in both places although everybody around me are convinced it is not so. Well, they have a point. If one has better exposure, funding and peer-pressure, it does make one work better. But, I believe that I can make up for the lack of it, by my own passion for science and will to succeed. Succeed, not in the traditional sense of having prestige, money and awards (although I have to agree they make one feel much better and positive), but in my sense of achieving and discovering new things. The reason why I started this painstaking and bitter journey in the first place.
Notice, I am not mentioning money, standard of life and recognition. They are the things I can live without and is not even playing a part in this confusion. The battle between the idealist and the realist is raging on and sometimes they are confused which side they are on! Am I a mess, or what? :)
So why am I thinking of back home? Because it is home. No other place will ever be that. And the weird thing is I am not too attached to home. It is just the country. I cannot quite imagine staying back in a different country. How can I not try to go back to the country where I went to college at the ridiculously subsidized tuition of $2 per year!!! Some tax payer money taught me throughout my higher education. How can I forget that? How?
Also I do realize the very small number of female academicians in my country and I want to change it, if only by trying to be successful there. But, what if I cannot make it there and just go on to re-inforce the existing stereotype. And what reason do I have that I will even get a job there? I do not even remember the way academics work there! What if this reasoning is just an empty dream and I am just not that capable?
What makes this decision more confusing is that if I decide to go back (and that is what I have been favoring till now), I will have to find a job in a place close to my husband and what if my career completely takes a back seat, since that is what EVERYBODY will be forcing me to do. I have been a renegade and a rebel, but how much longer can I rebel, especially when I see that it makes everybody around me so very unhappy. I guess, my staying or going back is becoming more than just a career move or a place to stay. It carries with it the weight of my principles and the happiness of my loved ones and that is where it is terrifying. And the worst part is it is not clear which route will actually be favoring my principles. As high sounding and ridiculous it might sound, I want to make a difference and I want to make it a bit easier for the next generation women in my country, I do not want them to hear things like "Why will a woman have to travel for career?", "Why will a woman be 'wasting' a seat at a premier institute?", "educated/careerist women cannot have a family" and so on. And if I look closer into which of these questions I refute by making either decision. Well, for one thing if I am successful anywhere, I have stopped the question of 'wasting' a seat. But, there is that "if"! I am not aware of the academic scenerio back home. What if I am totally brushed aside as my husbands "better half". He is quite capable and a good researcher, but I do not want my career to be tied to his name because in that case whatever I achieve will be thought of as due to him! I believe that my career, however good bad or ugly, can stand up on its own. Will I be able to establish that if I go back? On the other hand, if I don't go back, I am just another hypocrite. I am not making any change, however tiny. Of course, the other myth of educated women making lousy wives is even harder to break. I have tried and tried and tried and I think I need super human strength and 48 hours a day to make it happen. And I do go away for conferences. I have a life outside home and I know that if and when I decide to have a family (in a more strict sense), I will have to compromise and whatever compromise I make, I will feel guilty towards my family and my work. There is this notion ingrained in my mind (however liberal I might try to proclaim myself) that the household duties are mine and it is difficult to act otherwise. It is also impossible to do all the household work and then be competent at work. Which till now I am managing but at the cost of being completely tired, spent and burnt out on a regular basis. Well, I am kind of straying from the main issue which is I am not sure which route will be true to my principles. And if at all my principles make sense in this world. Sometimes I feel so bitter and lost. I believe I have been one of the luckiest in everything and still at times I feel completely defeated by the struggle between my principles and my ingrained notions.
After all this there is the issue of my real love for work, for science. This I still believe can be fulfilled in both places although everybody around me are convinced it is not so. Well, they have a point. If one has better exposure, funding and peer-pressure, it does make one work better. But, I believe that I can make up for the lack of it, by my own passion for science and will to succeed. Succeed, not in the traditional sense of having prestige, money and awards (although I have to agree they make one feel much better and positive), but in my sense of achieving and discovering new things. The reason why I started this painstaking and bitter journey in the first place.
Notice, I am not mentioning money, standard of life and recognition. They are the things I can live without and is not even playing a part in this confusion. The battle between the idealist and the realist is raging on and sometimes they are confused which side they are on! Am I a mess, or what? :)
